Ain't That The Truth?
Comedians are like our modern truth-tellers. Nobody really has insight into the human condition—for better or for worse—than a good comedian, and these hilarious and timeless quotes are proof.
And Where Are The Matches?
“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles”. –George Carlin.
Little David Records, Wikimedia Commons
Boom. Roasted.
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'". –Bob Newhart.
Alan Light, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Keep Steady
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes”. —Mel Brooks.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Pretty, Pretty Good
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough”. –Larry David.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Check The Graph
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions”. –George Carlin.
Alex Lozupone, CC BY-SA 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Lay In The Bed You Made
"My brother-in-law is German. He came to me and said 'I can't get a good bagel at home!' and I said, 'Well whose fault is that?'" –Emo Philips.
Raph_PH, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Sizing Up The Competition
"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work". –Norm Macdonald.
Greg2600, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Man’s Best Friend
"Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." –Groucho Marx.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
"'You’ve gotta respect everyone’s beliefs'. No, you don’t. That’s what gets us in trouble. Look, you have to acknowledge everyone’s beliefs, and then you have to reserve the right to go: 'That is stupid. Are you kidding me?' I acknowledge that you believe that, that’s great, but I’m not going to respect it. I have an uncle that believes he saw Sasquatch. We do not believe him, nor do we respect him!" –Patton Oswalt.
You Said It
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that". –George Carlin.
Priorities Are Important
"I spent half my money on gambling, wild women, and alcohol. The other half I wasted”. –WC Fields.
Bain News Service, Wikimedia Commons
Out Of Order
“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience”. –Mitch Hedberg.
The Illusion of Choice
"The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice”! –George Carlin.
HBO, George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008)
Speaking The Truth
"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list”. –Denis Leary.
Dominick D, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Rushmore? I Wish They’d Rush Less
"I love South Dakota, I do. And you know, the Black Hills of South Dakota are sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into the side of a mountain." –Jim Gaffigan.
Justin Hoch, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
The Key To Happiness
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." –Joan Rivers.
Win Some, Lose Some
"You won't be a winner at everything, you won't be a loser at everything; but, you'll never know what you're good at if they tell you that you're good at everything”. –Jim Jeffries.
We Do What We Can
“Humor is just another defense against the universe”. ―Mel Brooks.
Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Arrested Development
"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk playing it safe”. –Bill Burr.
Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.
News service, Wikimedia Commons
The Banana Rule
"On a traffic light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield'. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on' and yellow means 'go ahead'. And red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?” –Mitch Hedberg.
What’s The Weather Like Up There?
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” –Jack Whitehall.
Sean Reynolds, Wikimedia Commons
Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done'”. –George Carlin.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances (2001)
The Difference Between Cats And Dogs
"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die". –Conan O’Brien.
Jay Dixit, CC BY 4.0, Wikimedia Commons
Honesty Is The Best Policy
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it". –Groucho Marx.
Save Your Time
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later". –Mitch Hedberg.
The Sting Of Disappointment
"Inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist". –George Carlin.
Is This What They Mean When They Say Better To Ask For Forgiveness?
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me”. –Emo Philips.
slgckgc, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
What A Prize
"I'm engaged to be married. Gonna do that. Hopefully we have a successful marriage, which means one of us is gonna watch the other one die. Sounds weird when you put it in words, doesn't it? It's not considered a good marriage unless, someday, one of us is standing over the other one's dead body crying, shaking hands, thinking, ‘We did it’”. –Tommy Johnagin.
Win, Lose, Or Draw
“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw”. –Norm Macdonald.
playerx, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Incentivize It
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them”? –Bill Murray.
Harald Krichel, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Thinking Outside The Box
"I went to the store to buy a candleholder, they didn't have any, so I bought a cake”. –Mitch Hedberg.
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)
Less Than Zero
"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.’” –Chris Rock.
Setting The Limit
"Did you ever noticed the guy speeding on the highway is a maniac and the guy going slower than you is an idiot?" –George Carlin.
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)
I Need A Map
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory”. –Paul Fix.
ABC Television, Wikimedia Commons
Causation Vs Correlation
"I never drink water, that's the stuff that rusts pipes”. –WC Fields.
Having It All
"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now". –Dylan Moran.
Society Of Surveillance
"What Orwell failed to predict was that we’d buy the cameras ourselves, and that our biggest fear would be that nobody was watching". –Keith Jensen.
800 Pound Gorilla Pictures, Keith Lowell Jensen | Not For Rehire (2021)
This Is The End
“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished”. —Leslie Nielsen.
The Winner Takes All
"It says here in this history book that, luckily, the good guys have won every single time. What are the odds?" –Norm Macdonald.
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)
We’ll Let You Fill In The Rest
“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches”. –Redd Foxx.
ABC Television, Wikimedia Commons
Evolution, Baby
“'Camping is a tradition in my family'.
Camping was a tradition in everyone’s family until they invented the house!” –Jim Gaffigan.
Montclair Film, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
No Foolin’
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States". –Spike Milligan.
A Fine Line
“A good comedian says funny things. A great comedian says things funny”. –Ed Wynn.
NBC Television, Wikimedia Commons
Do The Math
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed”. –Josie Long.
Nichole Rowbottom, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Battle Of The Sexes
“Every guy has a crazy girlfriend story. Why don’t women have crazy men stories? Because if you have a crazy boyfriend, you gonna die”. –Donald Glover.
Not What I Asked For
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific". – Lily Tomlin.
U.S. Department of State, Wikimedia Commons
It’s A Bit Foggy
“The wisest man I ever met told me something I'll never forget, and although I'll never forget it, I never quite memorized it either, so I am left with the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember”. –George Carlin.
Cable Stuff Productions, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
A Conundrum
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it". –Bob Hope.
Lietmotiv, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Timing Is Everything
"When you got a career, there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job, there's too much time”. –Chris Rock.
Andy Witchger, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Lost & Found
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ―Billy Connolly.
Eva Rinaldi, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Keep Dreaming
“They call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it”. –George Carlin.
HBO Documentary, George Carlin's American Dream (2022)
Buyer’s Remorse
"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later". –Margaret Cho.
Frantogian, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons
Is That What They Meant By Created Equal?
"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: We all suck". –Bill Hicks.
Angela Davis, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Be Realistic
"I am a man of my word. And that word is 'unreliable'". –Demitri Martin.
Tammy Lo, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Some Advice Is Hard To Follow
"Tom Cruise once gave me some good advice, he said, ‘never name drop’”. –Norm MacDonald.
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)
First Things First
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down". –Mitch Hedberg.
Keep It Smelling Like Roses
"Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, for the same reason”. –Robin Williams.
Suspended In The Air
"I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt... I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?” –Mitch Hedberg.
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993–2009)
The Student Has Become The Teacher
"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the Devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though”. –Emo Philips.
More Money, More Problems
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer”. –Jim Carrey.
Matteo Chinellato, Shutterstock
It’s How You Look At It
"I don't fail, I succeed in finding what doesn't work". –Christopher Titus.
Even The Playing Field
"Being an ugly woman is a lot like being a man... you're gonna have to work for it”. –Daniel Tosh.
Escape Artist
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes”. –Jack Handey.
A Little Help?
"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way”. –Richard Pryor.
Alan Light, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons
Slow Down
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”. —Joan Rivers.
The Truth About Nationalism
“Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in”. –Doug Stanhope.
Next Season On…
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever”. –Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
Scary Stuff
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy”. —Jerry Seinfeld.
You Get What You Pay For
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain”. —Graham Norton.
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