Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners
Rodney Dangerfield was one of the best to ever do it, and his one liners still hit home today. Although he's best known today for "never getting any respect," his jokes—and his career—amount to so much more than just that.
We have nothing but respect for this legend, so here are some of his best quick cuts.
A Real Come On Over
“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home”.
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Words To Live By
“Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence”.
Orion Pictures, Caddyshack (1980)
The School Of Hard Knocks
"I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window".
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Two For One
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, 'If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion'. He said, 'All right. You're ugly, too’”.
Ups And Downs
"I'll tell ya, my whole life, all I know is rejection. When I was a kid, my yo-yo: it never came back".
Made For Each Other
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met”.
Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)
Never Drink Alone
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror”.
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
In The Eye Of The Beholder
"I know I'm ugly. I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning".
Doctor Knows Best
“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am”.
You Gotta Eat
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it”.
For Richer Or Poorer
"I was so poor, my rich aunt died; in the will, I owed her $20".
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Aim Higher
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet”.
Family Matters
"Last week, I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it!"
Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)
On Astrology
"Oh, we were doomed from the start. I'm an Earth sign. She's a Water sign. Together, we made mud".
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Two Thumbs Down
"Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up".
Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)
Those Who Can't Do, Teach
"Good teacher, he really seems to care. About what, I have no idea".
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Do The Math
"My doctor, he don't help either. He told me to run five miles a day for two weeks. I called him up. I said, 'Doc, I'm 70 miles from my house'".
The Art Of Seduction
"I know how to make a girl say 'yes'. I ask her, 'Am I bothering you?'"
Something's Fishy
“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it”.
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Only The Best
"I'll tell ya, my kid, he drives me nuts. For three years now, he goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is!"
Read Between The Lines
"Hey, I'm smart. When I was paper trained I learned how to read it, too".
O, Canada
"My old man, he saw a sign that said 'Drink Canada Dry'. He went up there".
Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)
Wedded Bliss
"My wedding day, that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on. She gave me the wrong finger".
A Good Year's Sleep
"One time I saw [my doctor], he gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up".
Keep It Separate
"Yeah, well, you were the inspiration for twin beds!"
Honesty Is The Best Policy
"Last week, I told my kid, 'Be honest. Always be honest'. He said, 'All right, I'm not your kid'".
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
Born This Way
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother”.
Silver Screen Collection, Getty Images
Put Yourself First
“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two”.
A Put-Down You Have To Look Twice At
"Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity".
Better Together
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio”.
The Great Game
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out”.
I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender”.
Press photo, Wikimedia Commons
Having "The" Conversation
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife”.
Christopher Polk, Getty Images
Context Matters
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it”.
The Proof Is In The Pudding
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof”.
Hide And Seek
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them”.
Chances Are
“If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!”
Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)
No Respect
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest”.
Got Any More?
Did we miss any of Rodney Dangerfield's best one-liners? Let us know in the comments. He had an incredible career, and his lines in Caddyshack alone are legendary. We'd love to hear more!
Michael Ochs Archives, Getty Images
