70 Classic Simpsons One-Liners
Over the course of its run, The Simpsons has launched 1,000s of infinitely repeatable jokes and one-liners. These superfans came together to pick out the most hilarious ones—one-liners so funny, you’ll be begging for Jebus to save you.
The Line That Launched 1,000 Quotes
“I was saying Boo-urns”. –Hans Moleman.
He’s Trying
“Me, fail English? That’s unpossible”. –Ralph Wiggum.
Balance Is Everything
“I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?” –Homer Simpson.
Qualifications
“As for your case, don’t you worry. I’ve argued in front of every judge in the state…often as a lawyer!" –Lionel Hutz.
It’s Already Happening To Some Of Us…
“I used to be with it, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’, and what ‘it’ is seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you!” –Abe Simpson.
Brrr
“Lousy Smarch weather”. –Homer Simpson.
…Mono
“So then, mono means ‘one,’ and rail means ‘rail’. And that concludes our intensive three-week course”. –Lyle Lanley.
The Animal Kingdom
“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel”. –Homer Simpson.
Follow The Leader
“And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords”. –Kent Brockman.
Two Thumbs Up
“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over 50, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called… ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down’”. –Homer Simpson.
Medical Malpractice
“Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg”. –Dr Nick.
The Lonely Vegetarian
“You don’t win friends with salad!” –Bart, Homer, & Marge.
I’m Trying To Follow
“Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is 'No'”. –Leonard Nimoy.
You Only Move Twice
“Don’t call me ‘Mr Scorpion,’ it’s ‘Mr Scorpio’. But don’t call me that either. Call me Hank”. –Hank Scorpio.
The Infinite Monkey Theorem
“This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. ‘It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?!’ You stupid monkey!” –Mr Burns.
Mother Knows Best
“But my mom says I’m cool”. –Milhouse Van Houten.
Cheers
“To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems”. –Homer Simpson.
The Birds & The Bees
“The sun is out, birds are singing. Bees are trying to have sex with them…as is my understanding”. –Bart Simpson.
Swing-A-Ding-Ding
“Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third. There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There. That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third”. –Hank Scorpio.
Buckle In
“Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs!” –Homer Simpson.
Go On…
“We can’t bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. ‘Gimme five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say. Now where were we…oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn’t have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…” –Abe Simpson.
Pardon?
“You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel”. –Homer Simpson.
How’s He Get That Name?
“I call the big one ‘Bitey’”. –Homer Simpson.
Classic Misdirection
“When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know, like that movie…Spaceballs. But instead it’s just been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy”. –Homer Simpson.
Count ‘Em
“I’m seeing double here. Four Krusties!”–Legs.
What’s In A Name?
“Want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you HoJu…” –Homer Simpson.
The Rules Of The Road
“Slow down. The sidewalk’s for regular walking, not for fancy walking”. –Jasper.
Parenting 101
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try”. –Homer Simpson.
Building A Mystery
“Remember the time he ate my goldfish and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? But why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why…did I have…the bowl”?! –Milhouse Van Houten.
Keep It In Your Pants
“But Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing”. –Homer Simpson.
One Dialing Wand, Please
“The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand please mash the keypad with your palm now”. –Automated message to Homer.
Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork
“Come on Marge. We’re a team! It’s uter-us, not uter-you”. –Homer Simpson.
Strikebreaking
“Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute, purple monkey dishwasher”. –Teacher with Glasses.
Read The Sign
“‘Do not touch Willie.’ Good advice”. –Homer Simpson.
Protect & Serve
“I’d rather let 1,000 guilty men go free than chase after them”. –Police Chief Wiggum.
Kodos & Kang
“Don’t blame me…I voted for Kodos”. –Homer Simpson
80s Meets 90s
“Remember Alf? He’s back…in Pog form!” –Milhouse Van Houten.
Shut Down
“I sleep in a big bed with my wife”. –Homer Simpson.
Sideshow Bob’s Trial
“No one who speaks German can be an evil man”. –Anonymous juror at Sideshow Bob’s trial.
Where’s The Lie?
“Marge, it takes two to lie; one to lie, and one to listen”. –Homer Simpson.
Natural Enemies
“Brothers and sister are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!” –Groundskeeper Willie.
Great Question
“I can’t take HIS money, I can’t print my OWN money, I have to WORK for money. Why don’t I just lie down and die”? –Homer Simpson.
Flip The Script
“Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels”! –Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Nothing At All, Nothing At All, Nothing At All…
“Stupid sexy Flanders”. –Homer Simpson.
Do The Math
“Rocky V plus Rocky II equals…Rocky VII: Adrian’s Revenge”! –Bart Simpson.
House Rules
“In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!” –Homer Simpson.
As Nicknames Go, Not Bad
“Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers”. –Ralph Wiggum.
Keep Wishing
“For once, maybe someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene’”. –Homer Simpson.
Have Some Respect
“Do not offer my god a peanut!” –Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry
“I never apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am”. –Homer Simpson.
Mum’s The Word
“I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality”. –Lionel Hutz.
What Will They Think Of Next?
“Ooh, they have the internet on computers now”. –Homer Simpson.
Make It Make Sense
“Inflammable means flammable? What a country!” –Dr Nick.
The Creamy Middles
“NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh! I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about ‘What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!’” –Homer Simpson.
Send One Dollar To Happy Dude
“Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd be happier with the dollar”. –Mister Burns.
Perfect Diction
“Now, who’s up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say ‘libary' or ‘tomorry’”. –Homer Simpson.
I Thought They Closed That Place Down
“Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house”. –Reverend Lovejoy.
How-To
“I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds”. –Homer Simpson.
He Makes A Good Point
“They call them fingers, but I never see ‘em fing”. –Otto.
Fatherhood
“Hey! Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand”. –Homer Simpson.
Dereliction Of Duty
“I haven’t felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor!” –Abe Simpson.
Finally
“Everything’s comin’ up Milhouse!” –Milhouse Van Houten.
Adult Learning
“Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?” –Homer Simpson.
It Does The Job
“Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice”. –Principal Skinner.
The Newest Simpson
“Now I have four children. You will be called…Stitchface”. –Homer Simpson, to a football.
You’ve Barely Touched Your Banana Ka-Boom
“This isn’t a very happy birthday for Rex Banner”. –Rex Banner.
Break It Down Again
“…And I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!!! ‘Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!!! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!” –Homer Simpson.
He Won’t Get Far On Foot
“My story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say ‘dickety’ cause the Kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’. I chased that rascal to get it back but gave up after dickety-six miles” –Abe Simpson.
First Things First
“In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money. Then you get the power. And then you get the women”. –Homer Simpson.
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted
“Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live”? –Homer Simpson.
