Lines Of Greatness
Plenty of comedians have dabbled in the art of the one-liner, from Henny Youngman to Jimmy Carr. But in our book, no two performers ever wielded the form with more genius than Steven Wright and Mitch Hedberg. And as you’re about to see, these zingers are all the proof you need…
Steven Wright: Casino
"A while ago, I was in Las Vegas at the roulette table having a furious argument over what I considered to be an odd number".
Mitch Hedberg: Casino
"I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle".
Steven Wright: Fear
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths".
Mitch Hedberg: Fear
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside".
Steven Wright: Buying
"I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific".
Ron Galella, Ltd., Getty Images
Mitch Hedberg: Buying
"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut; I don't need a receipt for the donut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut".
Steven Wright: Bed
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)
Mitch Hedberg: Bed
"I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"
Steven Wright: Kids
"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Kids
"If my kid couldn’t draw, I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work".
CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)
Steven Wright: Daydreams
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering".
NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)
Mitch Hedberg: Dreams
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later".
FOX, That '70s Show (1998-2006)
Steven Wright: Books
"I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest".
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Mitch Hedberg: Books
"Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!"
Steven Wright: Pants
"I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg".
NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)
Mitch Hedberg: Pants
"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real hero?"
CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)
Steven Wright: Candles
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Candles
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Fishing
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot".
NBC, Late Night with David Letterman (1982-1993)
Mitch Hedberg: Fishing
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Sleep
"When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes'".
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Mitch Hedberg: Sleep
"I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long".
CBS, Late Show with David Letterman (1993-2015)
Steven Wright: Escalators
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. 20 people were trapped on the escalators".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Escalators
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience'".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Animals
"I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him 'There, now you're done'".
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Mitch Hedberg: Animals
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Steven Wright: Food
"I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Food
"Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: More Food
"I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it".
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Mitch Hedberg: More Food
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Still More Food
"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Still More Food
"I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time".
NBC, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (1993-2009)
Steven Wright: Gifts
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Gifts
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Words
"What's another word for 'thesaurus?'"
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Words
"I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones".
CBS, The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn (1999-2004)
Steven Wright: Plants
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Plants
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
Steven Wright: Forgetting
"Last week, I forgot how to ride a bicycle".
HBO, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988)
Mitch Hedberg: Forgetting
"This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers’. So I did, and it was a load off of my mind".
Expand, Los Enchiladas! (1999)
