May 24, 2024 | Peter Kinney

These Hilarious Quotes By Comedians Are Timeless


“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious” –Peter Ustinov

There are some comedians that just get it. Sure, they’re telling jokes—but some of them, from old favorites like George Carlin to newer favorites—are also sharing universal truths about life that still hold true to this day.

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You Said It

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that". –George Carlin.

Portrait Photo of the comedian George Carlin in a black shirtInsomnia Cured Here, Flickr

Out Of Order

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience”. –Mitch Hedberg.

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the American stand-up comedian Mitch HedbergRobert Cudmore, Flickr

Speaking The Truth

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list”. –Denis Leary.

Portrait Photo of the American actor and comedian Denis LearyDominick D, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

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The Key To Happiness

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made." –Joan Rivers.

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the Actress Joan RiversRoy Silver, Wikimedia Commons

We Do What We Can

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ―Mel Brooks.

Mel Brooks on the Hollywood Walk of FameAngela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Teamwork Makes The Dreamwork

“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius”. –Sid Caesar.

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the American actor and comedian Sid CaesarNews service, Wikimedia Commons

What’s The Weather Like Up There

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” –Jack Whitehall.

Portrait Photo of Jack Whitehall in a dark suit smiling and facing the cameraSean Reynolds, Wikimedia Commons

The Difference Between Cats And Dogs

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." –Conan O’Brien.

Portrait Photo of the American comedian Conan O'Brien.Jay Dixit, CC BY 4.0, Wikimedia Commons

Save Your Time

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later". –Mitch Hedberg.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Mitch Hedberg smiling and facing the cameraCy Cyr, Getty Images

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Is This What They Mean When They Say Better To Ask For Forgiveness?

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me”. –Emo Philips.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Emo Philipsslgckgc, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

What A Prize

I'm engaged to be married. Gonna do that. Hopefully we have a successful marriage, which means one of us is gonna watch the other one die. Sounds weird when you put it in words, doesn't it? It's not considered a good marriage unless, someday, one of us is standing over the other one's dead body crying, shaking hands, thinking, ‘We did it’”. –Tommy Johnagin.

Portrait Photo of comedian Tommy Johnagin performing on a stageCleftClips, Flickr

Incentivize It

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them”? –Bill Murray.

Actor Bill Murray at the 68th Berlin International Film Festival 2018Harald Krichel, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Less Than Zero

"I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? 'Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.’” –Chris Rock.

Portrait Photo of the comedian and actor Chris Rock performing on a stagewhittlz, Flickr

I Need A Map

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory”. –Paul Fix.

Grayscale Photo of the comedian and actor Paul FixABC Television, Wikimedia Commons

Having It All

"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." –Dylan Moran.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Dylan Morancliqmo_, Flickr

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This Is The End

“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen.

Portrait Photo of the actor and comedian Leslie NielsenAlan Light, Flickr

We’ll Let You Fill In The Rest

“What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.” –Redd Foxx.

Publicity photo of Redd Foxx from the variety program The Redd Foxx Show.ABC Television, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

No Foolin’

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." –Spike Milligan.

Actress Britt Ekland and comedian Spike Milligan at the funeral of comic actor Peter SellersWesley, Getty Images

Do The Math

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” –Josie Long.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Josie Long performing on a stageNichole Rowbottom, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Not What I Asked For

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin.

Comedienne Lily Tomlin smiles after receiving her Kennedy Center Honors medallionU.S. Department of State, Wikimedia Commons

A Conundrum

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." –Bob Hope.

Entertainers Bob Hope perform for military personnel at the USO Christmas TourLietmotiv, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

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Lost & Found

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it”? ―Billy Connolly.

Billy Connolly at the premiere of the film Brave, at the Sydney film festival.Eva Rinaldi, CC BY-SA 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Buyer’s Remorse

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." –Margaret Cho.

Portrait Photo of of the comedian Margaret Cho in a white dressFrantogian, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Keep Steady

“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” —Mel Brooks.

Mel Brooks attending a ceremony to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Pretty, Pretty Good

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough”. –Larry David.

Larry David at a ceremony for Mary SteenburgenAngela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Wikimedia Commons

Lay In The Bed You Made

"My brother in law is German. He came to me and said 'I can't get a good bagel at home!' and I said, 'well whose fault is that?'" –Emo Philips.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Emo Philips performing on a stageRaph_PH, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

Man’s Best Friend

"Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." –Groucho Marx.

Julius 'Groucho' Marx wearing a fez for his role in 'A Night In Casablanca'Hulton Archive, Getty Images

Be Realistic

"I am a man of my word. And that word is unreliable" –Demitri Martin.

Comedian Demetri Martin at Revenge of the BookeatersTammy Lo, CC BY 2.0, Wikimedia Commons

First Things First

"I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down." –Mitch Hedberg.

Portrait Photo of the comedian Mitch Hedberg in a floral shirtRaffin, Flickr

The Student Has Become The Teacher

"My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I don't know how much she charges him though”. –Emo Philips.

Portrait Photo of the actor Emo Philips at the Acme Comedy CoHoney Bunny, Flickr

It’s How You Look At It

"I don't fail, I succeed in finding what doesn't work." –Christopher Titus.

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the comedian Christopher Titus in a dark shirtAdrienne Campbell, Flickr

Escape Artist

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” –Jack Handey.

Grayscale Portrait Photo of the comedian Jack Handeyidipic.com, Flickr

Slow Down

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” —Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers from the film Larry Busacca, Getty Images

Next Season On…

“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” –Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

Paul Rudd speaking at the 2014 San Diego Comic ConGage Skidmore, Flickr

Scary Stuff

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld.

Portrait Photo of Jerry Seinfeld at the Beacon Theaterslgckgc, Flickr

You Get What You Pay For

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton.

Portrait Photo of Graham Norton in a blue suitRaph_PH, Flickr


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