Matthew Perry's Greatest Chandler Quotes On Friends
Australopithecus
Ross: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n, homo-habilis was erect, australopithecus was never fully erect.
Chandler: Well maybe he was nervous.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Stop The Q-Tip
Joey: Why don’t you go see Frankie? My family’s been goin’ to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, ’scuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990?
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Trident
Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Camera Adds 10 Pounds
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
One Eyebrow
Joey: ...it hurts so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow and now... they don’t match!
Chandler: It’s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Joey Says Hello
Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey says hello. He’ll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he’s gonna be able to crack that code?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Cosmo Quiz
Chandler: [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo] All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Leaf Blower
Chandler (Calls girl, then hurriedly hangs up): ... I got her machine.
Joey: Her answer machine?
Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.
Warner Bros. Television, Friends (1994-2004)
Ross' Tan
(Ross walks in looking very tanned. Chandler and Monica look up at him smiling.)
Chandler: Hold on! There is something different.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place... The Sun?
Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! (Turns his side to Chandler and Monica and pulls up his shirt. There's a distinct line across his body, where his belly is very tanned and his back is very pale.)
Chandler: Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself!
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Ya-Yas
Rachel: [to Ross]: So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.
Ross: [pause]...Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.
"I Love You" Response
Chandler:... Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to "I love you" was, "Oh, cr@p."
Someone Ate Ross's Sandwich
Joey: What's wrong buddy?
Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
If I Were A Guy?
Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and... (stops himself mid-sentence...everyone stares at him) Did I just say if I were a guy..?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Hit By Blimp
Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?
Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
A Successful Marriage?
Rachel: ...Ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Not Great At Advice
Chandler: I’m not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Oh Poor Ross
Ross: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Ross Felt Something
Ross: I was in the shower, and as I was...cleansing myself, I, uh...well, I felt something.
Chandler: Was it like a sneeze only better?
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Before 9am
Chandler: I say more dumb things before 9am than most people say all day.
Friends, Warner Bros. Television
Thought(s)?
Joey: I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: [smiles] Your thoughts?
[Joey nods]
Chandler: Plural?
Warner Bros. Television, Friends (1994-2004)
Rehearsal Dinner
Chandler: I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner. You know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Gym Card
Monica (Picking up a card from Chandler’s wallet.): My God! Is this a gym card?
Chandler: Oh yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last 1200 times.
Warner Bros. Television, Friends (1994-2004)
Ad Slogans
Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It’s milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?"
Warner Bros. Television, Friends (1994-2004)
Uncomfortable Jokes
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Knock Knock
Chandler [talking to himself in the hallway]: Funniest guy she's ever met? [to the door] I'm funny, right? What do you know, you're a door! You just like knock-knock jokes! Ha-ha-ha. Save it for inside.
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Parachute/Knapsack
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Chandler: [trapped] Uh, uh.
Monica: Well?
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! [throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in]
Friends (1994–2004), Warner Bros. Television
Hornswagle
Chandler: And Hornswagle? Are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?
