January 6, 2025 | Jane O'Shea

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners That Still Ring True Today


Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners

Rodney Dangerfield was one of the best to ever do it, and his one liners still hit home today. We have nothing but respect for this legend, so here are some of his best quick cuts.

Dangergal

Doctor Knows Best

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am”.

Rodney Dangerfield factsJim Smeal, Getty Images

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Words To Live By

“Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence”.

Rodney Dangerfield factsOrion Pictures, Caddyshack (1980)

The School Of Hard Knocks

"I mean, the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

Two For One

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, 'If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion'. He said, 'All right. You're ugly, too’”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

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Ups And Downs

"I'll tell ya, my whole life, all I know is rejection. When I was a kid, my yo-yo: it never came back".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Made For Each Other

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Meet Wally Sparks (1997)Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

Never Drink Alone

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

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In The Eye Of The Beholder

"I know I'm ugly. I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

You Gotta Eat

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

For Richer Or Poorer

"I was so poor, my rich aunt died; in the will, I owed her $20".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

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A Real Come On Over

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

Aim Higher

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Family Matters

"Last week, I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it!"

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Meet Wally Sparks (1997)Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

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On Astrology 

"Oh, we were doomed from the start. I'm an Earth sign. She's a Water sign. Together, we made mud".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

Two Thumbs Down

"Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Meet Wally Sparks (1997)Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

Those Who Can't Do, Teach

"Good teacher, he really seems to care. About what, I have no idea". 

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

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Do The Math

"My doctor, he don't help either. He told me to run five miles a day for two weeks. I called him up. I said, 'Doc, I'm 70 miles from my house'".

Rodney Dangerfield with his petImages Press, Getty Images

The Art Of Seduction

"I know how to make a girl say 'yes'. I ask her, 'Am I bothering you?'"

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Something's Fishy 

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

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Only The Best

"I'll tell ya, my kid, he drives me nuts. For three years now, he goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is!"

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Read Between The Lines

"Hey, I'm smart. When I was paper trained I learned how to read it, too".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

O, Canada

"My old man, he saw a sign that said 'Drink Canada Dry'. He went up there". 

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Meet Wally Sparks (1997)Largo Entertainment, Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

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Wedded Bliss

"My wedding day, that was a beauty. I went to put the ring on. She gave me the wrong finger".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

A Good Year's Sleep

"One time I saw [my doctor], he gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take them whenever I wake up".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Keep It Separate

"Yeah, well, you were the inspiration for twin beds!"

Rodney Dangerfield and wife JoanJym Smeal, Getty Images

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Honesty Is The Best Policy

"Last week, I told my kid, 'Be honest. Always be honest'. He said, 'All right, I'm not your kid'".

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

Born This Way

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother”.

American actor and comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004), circa 1975. Silver Screen Collection, Getty Images

Put Yourself First

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

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A Put-Down You Have To Look Twice At

"Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity". 

Rodney Dangerfield With His Wife AtDenny Keeler, Getty Images

Better Together 

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

The Great Game

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

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I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender”.

Rodney Dangerfield - 1972Press photo, Wikimedia Commons

Having "The" Conversation 

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife”.

Rodney Dangerfield during Comedy Central's First Annual Christopher Polk, Getty Images

Context Matters

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

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The Proof Is In The Pudding 

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof”.

Rodney Dangerfield; arrives at a party for comedian Andrew Dice Clay in LA Vinnie Zuffante, Getty Images

Hide And Seek

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Chances Are

“If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!”

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Back to School (1986)Orion Pictures, Back to School (1986)

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No Respect

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest”.

Screenshot of Rodney Dangerfield from - Ladybugs (1992)Paramount, Ladybugs (1992)

Got Any More?

Did we miss any of Rodney Dangerfield's best one-liners? Let us know in the comments. He had an incredible career, and his lines in Caddyshack alone are legendary. We'd love to hear more!

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield poses for a portrait circa 1950 in New York City, New York.Michael Ochs Archives, Getty Images


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